As I write today, I am reminded of these powerful insights on Mother Hunger, a term coined by Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Claire Bidwell Smith:
“Mother Hunger is a term… to describe what it feels like to grow up without a quality of mothering that imprints emotional worth and relational security. The term Mother Hunger captures a compelling, insatiable yearning for love.”
This deep longing is often mistaken for romantic love, due to the oxytocin connection formed in infancy when a baby is soothed. Many women, in particular, experience this yearning to feel loved in a way they never received.
According to Smith, Mother Hunger fosters toxic stress, anger, and an ongoing cycle of disappointment and grief throughout life. She explains that “in childhood, surrogate mothers may look a lot like cake, ice cream, or fairy tales.” This form of emotional deprivation leads to adaptations to loneliness that affect relationships and create an ongoing craving for fulfillment.
Importantly, Smith notes that “women with secure maternal connections can’t relate to the despair and shame that go with Mother Hunger. It’s simply unimaginable to them.”
Mother Hunger manifests in both Over-mothering and Under-mothering. In Over-mothering, enmeshment leads to confusion and frustration. This is especially true when children receive messages about how “nice” their mothers are, despite underlying neglect. In more extreme cases, a childhood marked by fear, anxiety, lack of nurturance, and outright fright can contribute to conditions such as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and an identity shaped by survival mechanisms.
In such cases, the nervous system becomes wired for survival, inhibiting healthy relationships. Smith highlights that “fear of abandonment, difficulty sleeping, eating disorders, mood problems, and difficulty finding meaning in life are all part of complex post-traumatic stress and Third-Degree Mother Hunger.” This can also manifest as addiction, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.
So what can be done? Smith suggests:
- Creating a nightly ritual with inspiring images and objects, then settling under a weighted blanket.
- Soaking in a tub of saltwater to simulate a human hug.
- Practicing restorative yoga.
- Listening to mindful podcasts.
- Walking alone in nature.
- Engaging in comforting activities like tea, naps, and candlelight.
Additional ideas include:
- Rest as Resistance. Rest is the foundation of inner reparenting and renewal. Without it, we remain stuck in fear and nervous system overdrive. Speaking powerfully to systems of injustice, Jnania Ree V. Moore states that rest is not simply a retreat from stress but a “crucial form of relationship to the world, to others, and to myself.” Befriending ourselves and each other through intentional rest cultivates kindness and nurturing.
- Breathwork. “The way we breathe is the way we live,” says breathwork teacher Scott Schwenk. “If you want to change how you’re feeling, change your breath.” To reset the vagus nerve, inhale deeply, hold for four counts, then exhale slowly over 7–8 counts. Repeat six or more times. For those experiencing Mother Hunger, breathwork can be a transformative practice, rewiring the nervous system to create a sense of safety that was absent in early life.
- Therapy. Therapy can be a transformative journey, especially with an attachment-informed clinician. Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is a gentle yet powerful modality, backed by growing evidence, that supports healing for complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). In IFS, we nurture and re-parent the wounded aspects of ourselves through our own Self. This process fosters deep empowerment, peace, and healing. Even small steps in IFS can create meaningful change. Learn more about IFS Therapy
By engaging in these practices, we can start to heal. We can soothe our inner child. We can cultivate the love and security we have long sought. If you can relate, there is hope. You can reach out to a qualified professional for help. Check out my web pages. Learn more about how I partner with women suffering from attachment-based trauma. You can also reach out to me for a complimentary 15-30 minute phone consultation. You don’t have to go at this alone.