Tag: overcoming abandonment issues

IFS Therapy: A New Year Journey to Your True Self

On By Susan Smith Counseling Services, PLLCIn IFS and Winter, Uncategorized

Healing Trauma and Grief: A New Year Invitation to Reconnect with Your True Self

It has been a tough year for many—and perhaps it has been for you as well.

After the holidays, weariness often sets in. Nights are still long, days are short, and the rhythm of daily life can feel heavy. Family has come and gone, sometimes leaving behind unspoken longings or disappointments that commercial celebrations cannot touch. Attachment wounds may be stirred. Doom scrolling, numbing habits, or family conflict can quietly take hold as ways to manage pain we do not yet know how to tend.

This season can feel especially difficult for highly sensitive people, those navigating grief and loss, or anyone carrying unresolved trauma. And yet, this threshold moment also holds quiet possibility.

Winter, Letting Go, and Making Space for New Beginnings

The New Year often invites reflection—letting go of what no longer serves and making space for something new. While the Winter Solstice has passed and we may not yet feel the shift, the days are slowly lengthening. Winter itself invites hibernation, replenishment, and deep listening before new growth emerges.

What we often resist, however, is the work of letting go.

Feng Shui teachings remind us that the more “ego props” we release—old identities, roles, and expectations—the more spaciousness we create for what wants to emerge next. In this way, the New Year becomes an invitation to courageously release the past and reconnect with our essence, trusting that who we are at our core is already enough.

Internal Family Systems Therapy: Healing by Releasing Constraints

Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy mirrors this wisdom beautifully. As a constraint-release model, IFS begins with a foundational truth:
wholeness, goodness, capability, and connection are already present within each of us.

The work of healing trauma is not about fixing what is broken, but about gently clearing the internal constraints—protective patterns, inherited beliefs, nervous system defenses—that prevent us from experiencing ourselves as we truly are.

This approach is especially effective for:

  • Trauma and nervous system dysregulation
  • Grief and loss
  • Highly sensitive nervous systems
  • Relationship and attachment struggles
  • Chronic self-criticism or people-pleasing

Relationships, Needs, and the Fear of Turning Toward Ourselves

In my work with couples, I often hear a familiar refrain: “My partner isn’t meeting my needs.”
And yet, beneath this complaint is often a deeper truth—we are afraid of meeting our own needs.

In a culture that prioritizes external fixes, productivity, and material success, many of us internalize the belief that we cannot truly give ourselves what we need at a deep level. We may appear successful on the outside while feeling exhausted, disconnected, and emotionally lonely on the inside.

You might recognize yourself here:

  • “I have a good life, but I’m not happy.”
  • “My partner and I fight, and intimacy feels distant.”
  • “I’m constantly trying to please others.”
  • “I feel tired, worn out, and unsure of myself.”

When I ask clients, “If you could feel calm and confident about yourself and your future, would you want that?” the answer is almost always a hesitant yes—followed quickly by, “But how?”

Is it possible to truly receive our deepest longings, rather than endlessly cope?
Is it possible to know love without reenacting old attachment wounds?

Living from Love Rather Than Fear

IFS offers a gentle and profound answer.

This work helps calm the internal storm of chaos, confusion, and rigidity. It supports nervous system regulation, allowing you to respond rather than react. Over time, clients learn to access a deep confidence and compassion that does not need to prove worth or belonging.

This is not about positive thinking or forcing change. It is about reconnecting with an internal source of wisdom and care—what IFS calls the Self—that soothes, nourishes, and brings a sense of deep peace, and sometimes even bliss.

Trauma Healing Through Somatic Listening and Self-Led Energy

IFS therapy does not rely on a therapist telling you what to do. Instead, it supports the natural emergence of your own inner guidance and life-force. By gently releasing cognitive, emotional, and physical constraints, clients often experience:

  • Increased access to Self-led energy
  • Greater clarity about values and desires
  • Renewed trust in movement, change, and life itself
  • Healing of legacy burdens carried from family or culture
  • More authentic intimacy in relationships

Somatic listening—attending to the body rather than forcing resolution—is a core component of trauma healing in IFS. When parts of us are allowed to move in ways that feel safe and supportive, trust begins to return. Life takes on new meaning, not through effort, but through alignment.

A New Flame, Not a Finished Vision

In these winter months, healing begins not with a fully formed plan, but with a small flame. IFS helps you protect and tend this spark—your essence—so it can grow in ways that feel grounded and sustainable.

Like a light in the darkness, when we care for what is alive within us, direction and meaning naturally emerge.

If you are feeling lonely, hurting, confused, or simply longing for deeper self-direction in the New Year, you may be standing at a threshold moment. Internal Family Systems Therapy can help you access the creative energy that quietly supports life-giving commitments, clarity, and change.

An Invitation

This New Year, consider embracing what wants to live through you.

If you are interested in IFS Therapy for trauma, grief and loss, relationship struggles, or highly sensitive nervous systems, in Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Castle Rock or Parker Colorado, I invite you to reach out for a 30-minute complimentary consultation to explore whether this approach is right for you.

Companion Reflection: A Gentle IFS-Informed Practice

A Moment of Turning Inward

Rather than pushing toward change, allow yourself to pause. This reflection is meant to be brief, spacious, and relational—an invitation rather than an assignment.

You may wish to place one hand on your chest or abdomen, allowing your breath to slow naturally.

IFS Journaling Prompts

1. Noticing What Is Present
As you settle, ask gently:

  • What part of me feels most present right now?
    There is no need to change it—only to notice.

2. Befriending Without Fixing

  • How does this part feel in my body?
  • What does it want me to understand about my life right now?

3. Turning Toward Self-Energy

  • Is there even a small sense of calm, curiosity, or compassion available toward this part?
    If yes, notice how that feels. If not, that is welcome too.

4. Tending the Flame

  • What feels alive in me right now, even quietly or imperfectly?
  • What would it mean to protect this spark without rushing it into form?

5. Closing Gently
Thank the part (or parts) you noticed for showing up. Allow yourself to return to your day without needing conclusions.

Closing Note

Healing does not begin with certainty—it begins with presence. When parts feel met rather than managed, something organic starts to move. Over time, this way of relating inwardly reshapes how we experience relationships, grief, and our own sense of direction.

If you are seeking IFS therapy in Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Parker, or Castle Rock, and feel drawn to this slower, deeper approach to healing trauma and attachment wounds, I welcome you to reach out for a 30-minute complimentary consultation.

Psychotherapy In The South Metro

I offer Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy to adults and families seeking support with trauma healing, grief and loss, anxiety, relationship struggles, and nervous system regulation. My practice serves individuals living in Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Parker, Castle Rock, and the greater South Denver metro area.

Clients often come to therapy feeling emotionally exhausted, disconnected from themselves or their loved ones, or overwhelmed by long-standing patterns rooted in trauma or attachment wounds. IFS Therapy provides a gentle, non-pathologizing approach that helps you reconnect with your inner clarity, compassion, and confidence—without forcing change.

Whether you are navigating:

  • Trauma or complex PTSD
  • Grief, loss, or major life transitions
  • Relationship conflict or emotional disconnection
  • People-pleasing, burnout, or chronic anxiety
  • The challenges of being a highly sensitive person

IFS therapy supports deep, sustainable healing by working with the nervous system and inner parts in a respectful, embodied way.

In-person and telehealth sessions available for clients in Littleton, Highlands Ranch, Parker, Castle Rock, and surrounding Colorado communities. I welcome you to reach out to me by clicking here.

Mother Hunger: Understanding Its Impact and Pathways to Recovery

On By Susan Smith Counseling Services, PLLCIn Uncategorized

As I write today, I am reminded of these powerful insights on Mother Hunger, a term coined by Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor, Claire Bidwell Smith:

“Mother Hunger is a term… to describe what it feels like to grow up without a quality of mothering that imprints emotional worth and relational security. The term Mother Hunger captures a compelling, insatiable yearning for love.”

This deep longing is often mistaken for romantic love, due to the oxytocin connection formed in infancy when a baby is soothed. Many women, in particular, experience this yearning to feel loved in a way they never received.

According to Smith, Mother Hunger fosters toxic stress, anger, and an ongoing cycle of disappointment and grief throughout life. She explains that “in childhood, surrogate mothers may look a lot like cake, ice cream, or fairy tales.” This form of emotional deprivation leads to adaptations to loneliness that affect relationships and create an ongoing craving for fulfillment.

Importantly, Smith notes that “women with secure maternal connections can’t relate to the despair and shame that go with Mother Hunger. It’s simply unimaginable to them.”

Mother Hunger manifests in both Over-mothering and Under-mothering. In Over-mothering, enmeshment leads to confusion and frustration. This is especially true when children receive messages about how “nice” their mothers are, despite underlying neglect. In more extreme cases, a childhood marked by fear, anxiety, lack of nurturance, and outright fright can contribute to conditions such as complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and an identity shaped by survival mechanisms.

In such cases, the nervous system becomes wired for survival, inhibiting healthy relationships. Smith highlights that “fear of abandonment, difficulty sleeping, eating disorders, mood problems, and difficulty finding meaning in life are all part of complex post-traumatic stress and Third-Degree Mother Hunger.” This can also manifest as addiction, suicidal ideation, and self-harm.

So what can be done? Smith suggests:

  • Creating a nightly ritual with inspiring images and objects, then settling under a weighted blanket.
  • Soaking in a tub of saltwater to simulate a human hug.
  • Practicing restorative yoga.
  • Listening to mindful podcasts.
  • Walking alone in nature.
  • Engaging in comforting activities like tea, naps, and candlelight.

Additional ideas include:

  • Rest as Resistance. Rest is the foundation of inner reparenting and renewal. Without it, we remain stuck in fear and nervous system overdrive. Speaking powerfully to systems of injustice, Jnania Ree V. Moore states that rest is not simply a retreat from stress but a “crucial form of relationship to the world, to others, and to myself.” Befriending ourselves and each other through intentional rest cultivates kindness and nurturing.
  • Breathwork. “The way we breathe is the way we live,” says breathwork teacher Scott Schwenk. “If you want to change how you’re feeling, change your breath.” To reset the vagus nerve, inhale deeply, hold for four counts, then exhale slowly over 7–8 counts. Repeat six or more times. For those experiencing Mother Hunger, breathwork can be a transformative practice, rewiring the nervous system to create a sense of safety that was absent in early life.
  • Therapy. Therapy can be a transformative journey, especially with an attachment-informed clinician. Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy is a gentle yet powerful modality, backed by growing evidence, that supports healing for complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). In IFS, we nurture and re-parent the wounded aspects of ourselves through our own Self. This process fosters deep empowerment, peace, and healing. Even small steps in IFS can create meaningful change. Learn more about IFS Therapy

By engaging in these practices, we can start to heal. We can soothe our inner child. We can cultivate the love and security we have long sought. If you can relate, there is hope. You can reach out to a qualified professional for help. Check out my web pages. Learn more about how I partner with women suffering from attachment-based trauma. You can also reach out to me for a complimentary 15-30 minute phone consultation. You don’t have to go at this alone.

Mother Hunger