Many people experience increased anxiety, grief, loneliness, and emotional eating during the holidays. As an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist in Littleton, Colorado, I specialize in helping adults understand the emotional roots of overeating, stress, and depression through compassionate, trauma-informed psychotherapy. Rather than trying to “fix” behavior through willpower, IFS therapy supports healing by restoring connection to your inner life, nervous system, and innate capacity for Self-leadership.
Jeanne Catazaro begins her book Unburdened Eating with this quote from John O’Donohue:
Too often people try to change their lives by using the will as a kind of hammer to beat their life into proper shape. The intellect identifies the goal of the program, and the will accordingly forces the life into that shape. This way of approaching the sacredness of one’s own presence is externalist and violent. It brings you falsely outside yourself and you can spend years lost in the wildernesses of your own mechanical, spiritual programs. You can perish in a famine of your own making.
Often, clients sit on my couch and ask some version of the same question:
“But how do I fix it?”
They appreciate insight and understanding, but ultimately they want something they can do—something they can will into action to get unstuck.
Nervous System Regulation
This holiday season, I’ve been riding the waves with many others I know—clients, friends, colleagues. There is so much stress right now: the state of the world and our nation, climate change bringing unusual weather patterns (here in Colorado, you may find yourself praying for snow), family expectations, gift giving, and for many—eating. So much eating.
Holiday culture is saturated with parties and socializing, gift exchanges and food. It’s about lights—often the bigger, brighter, and louder the better. But before Western culture reshaped these spiritual traditions, this season was about something quieter: things like hope, love, and gratitude. Peace, stillness, and mystery.
If you’re struggling, these are not luxuries. They are precisely what can help.
And still, you may be thinking: I don’t feel hope or peace or love.
You may feel uncertainty or loneliness in a season that pulses with cheerful facades—while, in truth, the darkest day of the year is upon us.
One of the most meaningful moments in my own therapeutic journey came several Decembers ago. I was sitting with my therapist, deep in depression and pain, when she said gently,
“Well, it is the darkest time of the year. Perhaps you could try bringing it closer instead of pushing it away.”
Since then, I’ve practiced recognizing that sorrow, grief, and shadow are not only understandable during this season—they are appropriate. Sometimes simply knowing that—normalizing it—helps more than we expect.
With clients, I often talk about creating containers for these feelings. Winter is a time of holding, hibernating, and preparing for something new through letting go. Below are a few ways I create containers for myself and invite others to do the same—ways of coming home to yourself rather than trying to fix yourself from the outside.
For critical or anxious thoughts
Instead of pushing these thoughts away, try an IFS Therapy practice of unblending. Ask them to give you a little space.
Years ago, I remember lying down for a nap during my daughter’s chemotherapy treatments, my mind crowded with worry that wouldn’t let up. In my imagination, I asked that worrying part of me to sit on the headboard of the bed while I slept. I felt it separate, just enough. A deep peace settled around and inside me. I slept. When I woke, I thanked that part for giving me space and letting me rest.
You might also place a small bowl or jar by your bed—somewhere to “put” your worries for the night, trusting they can be revisited in the daylight. If you can make this a loving container, that’s even better. Try decorating it. Showing care for how you hold your inner shadows matters for how we feel.
For deep sorrow and grief
Light a candle before going to bed. In the darkness, tune into your breath, inviting a gentle rhythm—perhaps five counts in and five counts out. Let yourself be held by the sensation of breathing, inside and all around you.
If fear or anger accompanies your grief, write it down. Fold the paper and place it under your pillow or somewhere safe. Acknowledge the parts of you that carry this fear or anger and let them know you are here with them–just as they are.
If possible, take a walk at dusk or after dark. Notice the silhouettes of bare trees, the moon and stars, the cold air. Listen to a nearby stream carrying snowmelt. Feel your feet on the ground and imagine yourself held by the vastness around you. Allow loss to be present without trying to change it. If stories arise about your loss, gently invite those parts to pause their dialogue for just a few moments and join you under the winter sky. Or invite in the stories, mindfully noticing how parts of you are making sense of your pain. Notice if those stories exacerbate or comfort you.
Observe the Winter Solstice
In Hello, Goodbye, Day Schildkret writes that “wintertime asks us to plug ourselves back into the deep, dark source of life.” Consider picking up this book and marking the solstice intentionally—perhaps through his Winter Bundle ritual, or by bringing a more mindful presence to food and drink as the new year begins. Again, it’s the care and intention that we bring to these rituals that soothes our parts.
Find an IFS therapist
Internal Family Systems Therapy offers a way for grief, frustration, and sorrow to unblend—or, as research terms it, decenter. Decentering parts means getting perspective, sensing something bigger than what the part holds in relationship to it. As this happens, a light often emerges even in painful circumstances. As Toko-pa Turner writes, this returning to ourselves “becomes the practice of unhindering what’s already there.” It is possible to hold both sorrow and joy at once. Return to yourselves through IFS Therapy.
Specifically around eating
For just a few moments, try not doing or saying the thing that keeps you outside of yourself. Often this creates enough space for the underlying emotions—those masked by binge eating—to surface.
Listen. Welcome the part of you that feels this way. Notice and ask any critical voices to pause. Let your body, heart, and soul rest in the experience of being deeply listened to—by you.
On The One Inside podcast, Tammy Sollenberger interviews Jim Abrams on *IFS and hopelessness. He offers something profound: we’re not asking parts to be hopeful. We’re asking the system to bring comfort and connection to the part, so its experience of the circumstances changes.
When we are in loss, the way forward is not to bypass it, but to be with it—to accompany the grief-stricken parts of us with presence. This alone changes our experience.
This holiday season, when anxiety, sadness, or loneliness arises, take a few moments to return to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel what is here—without explaining it, fixing it, or telling stories about it.
That is sacred presence.
Music for Presence, Loneliness, and Rest
You might consider listening quietly, without multitasking, allowing the music to accompany—not distract—from your inner experience:
- Max Richter – “On the Nature of Daylight”
(For heartache, tenderness, and allowing emotion to move) - Ólafur Arnalds – “Saman”
(For rest, containment, and a sense of being held)
Gentle IFS Reflections to Try at Home
I invite you to go slowly and take only what feels supportive.
1. Noticing Without Fixing
Take a quiet moment and ask yourself:
Is there a part of me that feels compelled to eat, numb, distract, or disappear right now?
You don’t need to change it. Simply notice where you feel it in your body.
2. Creating Space
If that part is intense, gently ask it:
Would you be willing to give me just a little space—without going away—so I can be with you more clearly?
Notice what happens.
3. Offering Presence
From a calm place inside, try saying:
I see how hard this has been for you. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Let your body register the tone rather than the words.
4. Listening Beneath the Behavior
If eating or craving is present, ask:
What are you hoping this will help with right now?
Stay curious. Avoid analysis.
5. Ending with Gratitude
Before moving on, thank any parts that showed up—especially those that protect you through coping strategies that once helped you survive.
Needing more support? If you find yourself struggling with emotional eating, grief, or overwhelm—especially during the holidays—working with an Internal Family Systems therapist can offer a compassionate, non-pathologizing path forward. You don’t need to fight your inner experience to heal. Support begins with listening.
Looking for a therapist in or around Littleton, CO? Connect with me here for a free consultation to see if working together feels right for you.
*You can listen to Tammy and Jim here.